You know that blogging has a flip side. I mean beyond the time suck it is. I got into bed the other night thinking that I was a failure at all that I did. I was questioning every little thing, every decision, every choice. I get these thoughts I think from blogging because some days it seems that every other person out there has it so perfect. They are so patient, so orderly, so loving, so healthy, so crafty, so creative, so funny, so mothering, so green, so beautiful. And, then there is me. I work. I pay a lot of money for someone else to teach my kids. I am not here in the mornings to kiss my kids and make a warm breakfast. I get mad at my husband. I sometimes yell at my kids. I get tired. I have gray hair. I attempt to be crafty. I don't soak my grains. I eat grains. I don't like tea. I LOVE coffee. I drink coffee. I drink a lot of coffee. I love chocolate. I have debt. I can't take a good self portrait (my eyes look red, my smile is crooked).
instead of trying to solve all my problems, I went to sleep.
I woke up feeling different. The thoughts of the night were gone. I have a wonderful husband. Three beautiful children. I have a job. My kids go to a wonderful school. I have loving parents who so willingly drive my kids to that school. I'm healthy. I'm fit. I love my home. I live in Seattle where coffee is king. I'm making a dent in that debt. I am loved.
I still love those blogs that make me feel that way. They inspire me. They challenge me. But, they don't make me. I am who I am. And, I like me.
21 comments:
I identify with so many of your posts, but this one really summed up feelings that I have had many times. Thank you for your honesty and for being yourself. Personally, I think you really have it together. Enjoy your weekend with your family!
you need to stop reading soulemama's blog :) j/k
honestly, i can only browse through those happy perfect crafty blogs once in a while (carrying a huge grain of salt with me!), even though i love them - they are just too foreign from my daily not-so-pretty life :)
you are not alone in feeling this way. i'm glad you came back from 'the dark side' today, though :) everything is so much bleaker when we are stressed and tired!
if you ever feel inadequate again, just wait till you read something i'm about to blog about in the near future...i still am not ready to share it yet since it's definitely been a huge, shameful chink in my mommy/personal armor!
I love the way you turned your self doubt into positive thoughts.
Nobody on this earth is perfect and everyone lacks something that someone else may have...that is what makes us all so unique.
You have a beautiful, happy family and that shines through on your blog!
Yes, every blogger has two sides. Very rarely do you see the reality of one's life through a blog. For instance - guess what I'm drinking right now? Coffee. At least two cups worth. Guess what my husband and son ate last night - unsoaked rice. My kitchen is an absolute disgusting mess. Dishes everywhere and dirty counters, as is often the case the morning after the Sabbath.
Perhaps I will have to post more about the reality of our life more often, like the piles of dishes that are NEVER done right after meals. Or the pile of laundry that somehow never makes it from the dryer into the dressers. There's always a long pit stop in baskets or piles on the sofa. Sometimes for days.
I really enjoy it when others share their struggles as well as their triumphs on their blog. Gives you a better idea of the imperfection that is ALWAYS there, no matter how perfect their lives seem.
Oh, and I forgot... I ate white bread last night. And it surrounded ham, chicken and cheese coming from animals that surely were not pastured.
I think I told Velvet once that blogging is like show and tell for adults. We wouldn't expect a child to take something they were not proud of to show so why would we?
I like to be able to do it all and be it all for my family but reality is that I can't. I can only do so much. I LOVE that we are all unique and that even shows through our blogs.
Velvet - now I won't sleep waiting for your next post! I would beg to differ though on how "huge" it is.
SNN - thank you, thank you, thank you for your comments! I'm so glad to read that you were drinking some coffee (as I am while typing this). I love your blog content and love what you just shared here : )
MSW Mom Jan and the Syders - thank you for your kind words. I can lift my head slightly higher now.
Thank you my *friends*!
Sounds like a case of peer pressure. Do we ever outgrow that? I doubt it. We all suffer from it at times.
I read somewhere that all of the bad seems to be magnified when it's dark. That we should always rest and then re-evaluate during the light. I think that's ture in so many cases.
(In my epxert opinion)very few people keep it real on a blog. Many blog through rose colored glasses. Life has ups and downs for all of us.
I'm glad you're feeling more positive about you and your life. I think you are quite a well-put together gal! I'm glad you don't soak your grains -- I don't either and knowing I'm not the only one makes me feel better.
I loooooooove your new necklace. I've seen them on some sites but where did you get yours? so cool!!
I think many of us feel the way you do. Thanks for sharing!
We all have times like that. Sounds like I could've written it myself, actually! We just have to remind ourselves not to compare ourselves to others because we all have different gifts and different lives. God blessed you with wonderful children and he entrusted them to you, so you must be cut out for the job, right? :) My Mom used to say that she had to learn to do her best and trust God for the rest. Hope you have a great week.
I love that you blog about "the other side". Makes the rest of us feel like we're in it together, even when we don't have it together. :D
Love this post! Thanks for sharing your journey :)
I found you through Rachel's links today. As I left in a comment on her site, I feel like we are all sharing a big online group hug!
It is very comforting to know we all have those days.
Thanks for sharing your very real thoughts. I feel the same way, often as I read blogs the blogs of the "perfect" ones. From a fellow human in Texas (but from Seattle)...
I can't even recall just now how I ended up on your blog, but thank goodness I did. there seems to be a lot of this going around right now. This realization that we aren't all perfect and it is refreshing. Thank you for your post. As a sahm for going on three years now to one child...I still don't feel I know what the heck I am doing. I feel torn to be true to myself and my house, my husband and my son. While none of us have the answers, there is huge comfort in knowning we are not alone. thanks.
I try and remind myself that those blogs that appear so "perfect" are focusing on the positive and the perfect, and that's okay...we all have our perfect and not so perfect moments. Great post!
Congratulations, you're a real person! (phew!) I know what you mean... there are so many times when I feel like, "Why me?" And then I read articles like Parenting's "Mad at Dad" piece (did you see that??), and realize things are a-OK in my house. Thanks for the reminder.
I almost feel like printing this post and taping it to my mirror as a reminder that it is okay to not be perfect. There are definitely two sides of bloggers and I have a feeling that many of us tend to beat ourselves up on a regular basis when we fell like we're not living up to our blog persona.
I find that I receive the most comments on my posts that reflect my imperfections rather than the posts that say that everything is going great in my life.
Thanks for a writing such a moving post. It definitely struck a chord with me (and others obviously).
This is a refreshingly honest post...thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I know I'm a little late in commenting on this post... but I just found it through a link, and wanted to tell you how it impacted me. I was inspired to write my own post on being real, which is something I haven't done all that well thus far (I've been a mom almost 7 months now).
I don't really have any close friends who have children, so it's hard to be real about motherhood when my readers aren't those who will likely identify with my crazy guilt-laden motherhood rantings. But oh well... I took the plunge and tried to be real anyway.
Thanks for writing this and sharing it. I added you to my Google reader, and look forward to reading more.
(Found you from Red and Honey)
There is a Russian fairy tale (sort of the Russian Cinderella) called Vasilisa the Beautiful.
Her mother is dead, of course, but she left Vasilisa a talking doll that gives her magical help. Every time the orphan goes crying to the doll, the doll tells her, "Go to sleep, beautiful Vasilisa. Morning is wiser than the evening."
And in the morning the impossible task is always waiting, completed.
I can't tell you how any times I've recited some version of that to myself when my emotions are trying to run away with me.
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